Panic and Anxiety

Posted on Sat Nov 2nd, 2024 @ 4:56pm by Blue Rider S'ven & Green Rider Kelsa

Mission: 3531 AL
Location: River Cove Weyr
Timeline: M2 D10

Kelsa sat on the ledge of her weyr watching the green twirling through the air. Her own green was sleeping on the ledge beside her, ignoring the flight. Kelsa cringed though when she heard the green scream followed by a triumphant bugle. She didn't want to look but she knew who the blue was.

“Oh S'ven,” she whispered. “Did it have to be that green?”

S’ven did not answer that question for several candlemarks until he stepped into her weyr and looked around for the woman. He looked worn out and frustrated despite looking damp like he had bathed and then come straight there. Benith’s flight had not been long the green having been caught quickly thanks to Dareth being more sneaky than normal but it had not been the green’s flight he would have happily won. I'lean was insufferable but S’ven had left as soon as he had woken up I'lean enough to not have been rude to his friend but also not enough that the green rider had a chance to try anything else. “Knock Knock.” He called.

Kelsa had ended up curled up with her green, falling asleep for a bit. She stirred though when she heard a familiar voice and sat up in her green's forelegs. She scrubbed at her face before pushing to her feet.

“S'ven?” She asked, stepping back into her weyr.

The man whirled around confused to see her coming from that direction so late. “Hey?” He greeted standing in the doorway. He knew they spent time between each other's weyr’s but he was not quite sure how welcome he was right then and there with her.

She tilted her head just a touch, her long hair falling over her shoulder. “you okay?” She asked softly, seeing he looked really flustered. Kelsa was actually surprised he was back as soon as he was. Knowing I'lean, the man wouldn't have let him go easily.

“Had better days. Not the day I had planned if we are honest.” He admitted rubbing the back of his neck. “Can I come in?” He wondered, still feeling like he was hovering in the doorway just a little. It was not a nice feeling when he was used to coming and going but he was trying to respect her boundaries.

“Of course you can come in. You're always welcome,” she assured. Was he really afraid she would kick him out? It was a flight. They had no control over a flight. Kelsa walked over to gently tug him inside. “You look awful,” she admitted, studying his disheveled appearance.

The man was surprised when she tugged him in by the collar of his tunic. “I know but I am also wanting to give you a little space if you want it.” He said thinking back to Ciy and her reactions when he won a male Green riders flight. “It’s been a long day.” He shrugged, running a hand through his hair.

Kelsa frowned a bit. “S'ven, I'm a rider. I understand flights,” she assured him, kissing his cheek. “I never doubted you would come back.” She gently ran her hand up his chest, not liking how pale he looked. “But are you truly okay? I know whose green that was.”

“I know but I am fully aware of who’s green it is will make him insufferable for a couple of days.” He mumbled quietly. He was not unaware of I'lean and his behaviours but the man had barely been awake for them to interact. S’ven had made his feelings very clear to the man as soon as he awoke. “Yeah I am fine. I'lean was barely awake when I left. I mean I said bye but I was dressed and gone before he roused to try anything.” He laughed a little and leant his head against hers.

Kelsa nodded. She had no doubt the other man would be a real treat for a while. Well too bad. She could handle that for a bit. “Really? Before he was truly awake?” She had to laugh a little at that. Kelsa snuggled against S'ven's chest. “I'm glad you're back.”

“I said I was leaving and did not really wait for an answer. I was kind and considerate but I do not wish to be entangled by him.” He said bluntly. He was not the weyrling confused about his sexuality or unsure what to do with a man any longer and he had genuine feelings for the woman snuggled against him. “This is where I want to be.” He assured wishing he could take another step forward with her.

Kelsa tried not to smile, but couldn't help herself. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy in her opinion. “Good cause I want you here always,” she assured him. She would take whatever time she could get with him. There was no reason to push as he would only run.

S’ven could not help but smile at her declaration it was was what he had always wanted to hear from a woman who did not judge him but it scared him no end. “I know.” He breathed growing stiff against her for a moment before his blue woke.

}: I am sorry. I wanted to chase.:{ Dareth said sleepily feeling sad that he had made S’ven said.

*** No. You did nothing wrong Dar. It’s all on me*** S’ven responded quickly. *** I want to move on but I do not want to get hurt again.***

Kelsa quickly backed up a step when she felt S'ven tense. “Did I do something wrong?” She asked worriedly. S'ven had been her only real relationship so she was still worried she would mess it up.

Vyiath looked over at Dareth. }:Now you’ve upset them both,:{ The green grumbled at her mate who hadn't returned to her ledge yet.

The blue rider blinked down at Kelsa having got caught up talking to Dareth. “No…” He quickly whispered, pulling her back to him. “Me and Dareth were apologizing to each other.” He explained.

“Oh,” she said in relief as he pulled her back to him. “I was afraid I had messed up somehow. I'm still new at relationships,” she pointed out, snuggling back against his chest.

S’ven sighed and closed his eyes tightly pulling her close. She was not the one messing anything up, she was the one wanting to go further and accepted him for his trust issues. “You are perfect. You are so perfect it kills me inside to keep you at arms length sometimes.” He whispered, stepping back to the sofa keeping her close as he sat down.

Kelsa let him pull her with him, snuggling against his side as they sat down. “I don't mind being patient,” she assured him, kissing his cheek. “As long as I get some time with you.”

The comment hurt, he hated that she was feeling like that. “You get all my time when I can Kels.” He assured the emotional turmoil showing in his eyes as he tried to look more upbeat. “I washed up and came straight here and I will every damn time.” He said quietly.

The young green rider looked up at him, hearing the change in his voice. “Hey hey,” she soothed. “I know and I love you. Never doubt that,” she whispered, kissing his cheek. “I'm not upset. I could never be upset with you.”

The man nodded trying to take some deep breaths. He did not doubt her affections for him at all. He never had from the moment he flung that bronze rider out of her weyr. “Do you have any wine?” He wondered thinking it might settle down the rising panic that he could feel in his stomach as his own broken heart.

She didn't like how he still seemed so upset. she flushed a bit, before smiling. “I do. Just a moment.” Kelsa had gotten some when she had seen whose green was rising. “Be right back.” She bounced to her feet to retrieve the wine.

The man nodded and stood to grab 2 mugs even as he tried to take in shorts breaths as he tried to focus.

}: Why are we panicking?.:{ The blue dragon asked more awake now as he felt his riders emotions.

***We are fine Dar. Just having a moment. You have done nothing wrong*** The man said quickly. He did not want the blue to feel bad when it was all him and his issues, the blue had every right to chase. He had been working so hard with a mind healer to move forward but now he was heading towards Kelsa seeing him having a panic attack.

Kelsa took her time retrieving the wine as it looked like S'ven needed a couple minutes. She wasn't quite sure what she had said, but she was thinking part of it had to do with a certain green rider and his flight.

“Found it,” she said, walking back into the main part of her weyr. “Should I call down for some food?” She offered, cringing when she saw how pale he looked. “S'ven?”

“I… I think I am having a panic attack.” He whispered feeling his heart start to beat faster and his chest start to become uncomfortable. He had never had a panic attack in front of someone and it was terrifying. “I… I … need to leave.” He said rising to his feet.

“Whoa whoa, do you think you should be moving?” She asked worriedly. “Let me get Nikolai up here.” she didn't want him passing out in the hallway or anything. He looked terrified.

**Vy, get Niko or I'han.** the green quickly relayed the message.

“No… I…” The man gasped as his breathing became rapid and he could not quite catch a breath enough. He quickly sat back down leaning forward to try and block out the world enough to calm down.

Kelsa knelt in front of him. “Easy,” she soothed. “Just breathe.” She didn't realize that he had panic attacks. He had never mentioned such a thing to her. The green rider gently rubbed his back. “It's okay. You're safe.”

The man could feel his body trembling, he was relieved he had not gone anywhere as it would have made it difficult to stand. He did not want to ignore Kelsa and he could hear her words but he could not vocalise anything enough to make any sounds. Nikolai came in looking confused but soon assessed the situation as he remembered this was not the first time they had met like this.

“It can help to remember that most panic attacks only last a few minutes remember S’ven, and once you're out of it, you will be back in control.” He said kindly as he stroked the young man's hair feeling the sweat coming off of him as the tremors wracked his body.

Kelsa breathed a sigh of relief when Nikolai got there. “This has happened before?” she asked quietly. Poor S'ven. What had set him off?

Nikolai glanced at the woman and nodded. It would do no good to lie to her when she was seeing the panic attack in all its glory. He grabbed the man's wrist and started to count the pulse rate of the man, “A couple of times but me and S’ven have been handling.” He had wanted to do some proper appointments with the man but he was denying he needed them.

“I…I am okay.” The blue rider in question finally gasped out.

Kelsa narrowed her pretty eyes. She was glad Nikolai had been helping him out but if S'ven thought he was fine then he was losing it. “Not so sure about that, love. You look pretty pale.” She looked up at Nikolai. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Just offer some reassurance and get him to come and see me in the morning,” Nikolai said holding out a pouch to the man. S’ven looked up at him and reluctantly took it stuffing into into her trouser pocket. “I will see you in the morning blue rider.”

“Okay.” He said looking at the ground as he heard the Healer walk away leaving the pair alone. “I did not mean for that to happen. I… nothing scares me other than the fear of losing you and …. It takes over.”

The green rider nodded. “I can do that. And I'll make sure he comes down in the morning.” She moved to sit next to S'ven and laid her head on his shoulder. “Love, I'm not going anywhere. Ever,” she assured him gently. “I love you, you silly blue rider.”

}: You do the fear of losing me?:{ The blue dragon wondered. S’ven smiled a little at the blue and his confusion.

*** You are mine and I am yours. I know you are never leaving. Stuck with me. *** The man responded before he raised his head and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“I know. But head and heart do not always agree.” He breathed keeping his voice level as he tried to just calm down more. He needed to speak to the woman and explain it all properly.

Kelsa just let him take his time getting back under control. She kind of understood but not completely as she had never had a panic attack. She gave him a gentle smile and stayed snuggled against his side. “Well you dear blue rider are stuck with me,” she promised.

Her words were kind and loving and he understood that she was not going anywhere because she was perfect for him. “I know. I really do know this Kels… I just… I can face the Weyrleaders, I can face thread without batting an eyelid as that is who I am but this is scary.” He said knowing how it sounded. “I want so much for you and me and I just cannot seem to move forward.”

She listened quietly as he explained just how he was feeling. Kelsa nodded slowly, understanding his worry. She had the same doubts at times. She gently kissed his neck to help settle him. “Hey we've already come a long way,” she pointed out gently. “We're together in one or the other of our weyrs every night.”

He nodded. “I know… but… I. Kelsa I want more but I can’t have it and then get it ripped away again. It broke me because I gave myself over and I do not think I can lose myself again yet when it had taken you so long to help me recover.” He glanced down at her kisses on his neck and smiled. “Me feeling like this is not because of you. This is me and … I am going to take Nikolai up on his offer before he makes K’ron force me.” He had kept it from everyone until recently.

Kelsa wished there was more she could do for him but she knew he had to sort it out himself. A smile tugged at her lips. “That is a good idea. You don't want K'ron after you. And you know you can tell me anything,” she whispered.

“I tell you everything other than I was going through this. I feel vulnerable because of it.” He sighed scrubbing at his face. “I think I need to talk to K’ron though so it knows.” He could not keep it hidden for much longer and K’ron deserved to know what was going on with his Wingthird.

She nodded a bit. She had no doubt it was hard to talk about. “That would probably be a good idea, love,” she agreed. “I'm sure he'll understand.” She gently rubbed his arm, hoping he was calming down.

The blue rider stayed quiet for a long time just savoring the moment of calm before he sighed. “I know it will not be a comfortable conversation but I need to have it.” He sighed. Everything was a little too much right then and there for him but he wanted it to get better for them. He wanted to take the risk and become her weyrmate if she would have him.

Kelsa reached down to twine her fingers through his and gave them a light squeeze. “I'm sure not but think who his mate is. He will definitely understand.” She looked up at him with a smile. “we’ll get through this.”

S’ven had not thought on that in the slightest worrying about K’ron being his Wingleader. He had completely forgotten that K’ron had a dragonless mate who had not always been the healthiest mentally before being dragonless. “You are right. I completely forgot about Nerlyn.” He said looking far away again for a moment on the guilt having forgot the woman.

“Hey hey,” she soothed. “No slipping back. It's okay that you didn't remember. You've had a lot on your mind.” She reached down to squeeze his hand. “Now how bout a little wine and a warm bath to help you relax?”

Her soothing was the kindest thing he was sure he had ever experienced. “You are too sweet.” He whispered pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I’ll take the wine.” He said shifting a little to get the pouch that Nikolai had left for him out of his pocket. “This should help me relax and sleep.” He admitted opening it and frowned at the smell.

“Just cause I love you,” she grinned, reluctant to leave his side. “Alright let me get that wine and then you mister are going to rest,” she smiled, putting a playful sway in her step as she went to retrieve the wine skin. Kelsa returned quickly and poured some wine in each of the mugs that S'ven had found before his panic attack.

The man emptied the contents into the wine and just took the plunge after stirring it several times and downed it before pouring another mug. “Shards… I love you.” He whispered.

Kelsa sat back down and sipped on her own wine. She raised a brow. “You do, huh? Then it's a good thing I love you too.” She reached over and brushed his sweaty hair out of his face. “Feeling better?”

The man closed his eyes at her touch on his face and smiled sleepily at her. “Yeah. I am feeling better. I am sorry you had to witness it.” He turned a little opening his eyes to look at her with a smile. She was so beautiful and so sweet, how had he gotten so lucky?

“Don’t be sorry,” she said softly. “I'm glad I know now. I can be there for you when it happens again.” Unfortunately, she had a feeling it would but at least she would be prepared. Kelsa smiled when she saw how tired he was. “Alright off to bed,” she gently coaxed.

“It’s the herbs.” He laughed and nodded, she was right. He needed her bed and slowly rose to his feet. He glanced down concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other until he got to the bed and just fell forward onto it. He did not even know if she followed him as his eyes closed and he was out before he had even finished the thought.

Kelsa followed behind to make sure he made it there in one piece. she then tucked a fur around him and left him to sleep for a bit. Hopefully, he would feel better afterwards.