Scared to Lose

Posted on Sun Oct 5th, 2025 @ 1:25pm by Jr Journeyman Nerlyn & Bronze Rider K'ron

Mission: 3531 AL
Location: RCW
Timeline: M3 D18

Nerlyn glanced down at Raen sound asleep lying across her lap. He had refused to settle in bed as he did not want to miss out on any time with his dad but he had fallen asleep where K’ron had slipped out to check on Tyreth and make sure his straps were okay for cold weather. Nerlyn carried on reading her book even as she heard K’ron return, she was not at all ready to speak to him despite the lateness of the day and knowing he would be gone in the morning.

K'ron sighed softly as he checked his straps and also made sure Tyreth was comfortable. It was going to be a long couple of days and right now he knew he was leaving on bad terms with his mate. Something that he wasn't sure how to fix if he was honest. He patted his bronze’s shoulder once more before stepping back into the weyr. He quietly walked back to find his small family, a smile touching his lips when he saw Raen finally asleep.

“He finally gave in.” Nerlyn finally whispered, putting the book down looking up at him finally. She stroked the little boy's soft hair, taking in his appearance and how much he looked like K’ron when he sleep compared to her brother when he was awake.

“Good. I don't know how he stayed awake as long as he did.” K'ron moved around to sit in a chair across from Nerlyn. “Do you need anything?” He offered as Koda appeared and curled up next to Nerlyn and Raen. It was a very cute sight.

“Will power and stubbornness. He gets that from me.” She said fondly. He definitely got that from her, that stubbornness kept her alive at the worst points but made her a terrible person sometimes. At least he got K’ron’s more subtleness. “No I am … okay.” She was not okay but it was the only word that she had as she was okay with Raen snuggle against her bump.

He laughed softly so as not to wake Raen. “He definitely got that honest,” he smiled. Their son was perfect to him. K'ron studied his mate worriedly. “Ner, talk to me,” he said softly. He didn't want to leave in the morning on a bad note.

Nerlyn looked up finally from Raen to look at the man. “What do you want me to say?” She wondered finally trying to work out what he wanted her to say or what he wanted to hear.

K'ron blew out a breath. “I don’t know but I don't want to leave tomorrow morning with a rift between us.” He just wanted them to at least be on talking terms. She didn't even want to look at him right now.

“This rift has been here for a while.” She said quietly. “This timing and ruins is just highlighting it. We are in 2 completely different worlds and I cannot do a sharding thing to help you right now.” She said softly keeping her voice low and level so Raen did not not wake up.

Did she really feel that way? That there had been a rift for a while? K'ron shook his head. “have I been that blind?” He asked quietly. “To the fact you've felt that way?” He had thought they were finally in a good place.

“It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I’m broken and caused this chaos and I can’t even help fix it.” She said quietly, looking away from him to Raen as he shifted a little making her stop speaking and freeze.

The bronze rider just stared at his mate. Really? They were doing this again? And he was leaving in the morning. K'ron scrubbed at his face. “Nerlyn, stop it,” he said lowly. “This is not your fault. I thought we had already figured that out.”

“But it is. You are going to shards knows what in a northern Weyr because of stuff I did.” She reminded him feeling her heart beating fast as her anxiety rose. “You have seen them carrying knives when they have come here declaring duals and stuff over slights.” She hissed slowly, shifting to stand up awkwardly with Raen in her arms shifting him against her shoulder.

“You kept the Weyr alive doing what you did,” he answered. He frowned. “Nothing is going to happen. They wouldn't dare harm a gold rider,” he assured her. He couldn't do this. He couldn't argue with her and then leave on bad terms.

“Of course they wouldn’t but I care about you getting hurt.” She whispered, shaking her head leaving him with that thought as she moved to Raen’s bedroom. She lay him down and sat there for a moment until she felt K’ron watching her from the doorway and she knew they needed to talk more. She couldn’t hide away and leave it like that between them.

K'ron blinked. Why would they hurt him? He didn't want anything and wasn't demanding anything. He sighed in frustration. What was he going to do? He quietly walked to Raen's bedroom, watching the two of them. Shards he loved them.

Nerlyn quietly rose from the bed and out the covers over the little boy watching snuggle down happily. She closed the door behind them and turned to look at him. “You should get some sleep.” She tempted trying to avoid talking more.

The bronze rider stayed quiet as Nerlyn tucked their son in. He shook his head a bit. “I can't sleep right now,” he said quietly. “not while we're like this.”

Nerlyn sighed softly and scrubbed at her face trying to not let tears fall. “I don’t know what to say. All of this being dragged up is making me feel like I was 2 turns ago. It’s making my absences worse as my brain keeps going into my thoughts and my self worth low.” She finally shook her head looking at the floor.

K'ron stepped up to her and gently pulled her into his arms. “Hey now,” he soothed. “We'll get through it. I'll be extra careful at High Reaches and when I get back I am not leaving again.” He hated that they were back to this place.

“I'm sorry. I thought I was better. I thought I was moving forward.” She whispered against his chest. She had felt so good coming back until her past had been revealed and brought up to haunt her.

He gently rubbed her back. “It's okay,” he soothed. “There is no reason to be sorry. No one expected this, but we'll get through it,” he promised. “I'm not going to get hurt and when I'm back we're going on that picnic.”

Nerlyn didn’t answer but nodded. There were so many reasons to be sorry but he would deny that it was her fault and it would just cause more arguments between them. She finally let the tears fall and sobbed against him wishing she could be strong like she used to be again.

K'ron held her close, feeling her tears soak through his shirt. “We'll get through this,” he promised. Somehow this would work itself out. it had to. They had already been through so much.

Nerlyn nodded. She just hated how much she hated herself. K’ron was right that she had done what she had to save the Weyr but now it felt like it was tearing her apart the moment she was feeling like a new person. She pulled back looking pale and blotchy.

“Hey hey,” he soothed, seeing her pale face. He kissed her forehead gently. “None of that. You and Raen are gonna have a great time with Neilla and your little green and I will be back before you know it,” he promised.

Nerlyn nodded, taking in some deep breaths to try and get her body to calm down. “I just want to feel less useless.” She sighed wiping her face with her cardigan arm.

“You are definitely not useless. Look at how you have helped the Dolphin Hall and me,” he added, giving her a smile. “You keep me sane and I love you. Not to mention now you have two little ones relying on you,” he pointed out, gesturing toward her little green flit.

“I keep you full of worry but I do love you madly and deeply.” She sighed, moving to where the green fire lizard was chirping confused at all the emotions. Nerlyn smiled as the little thing fluttered on her lap unsteadily as Nerlyn sat on the edge .

K'ron moved to sit next to her. “And I am sure I do the same to you every time Thread falls.” He knew they worried each other. “But I love you and I am never leaving.” Once he got back from High Reaches he was not going out again. He smiled as he watched the little green. “Have you decided on a name for her yet?”

Nerlyn wanted to remind him that he could never promise to leave as the future was unknown but she wanted peace. She wanted the guilt to leave her and her to get back to how she had felt a month ago Even with the queen flight she felt like everything was in her control. “Peridot.” She said quietly as the flit looked up at her name being spoken about. It made the woman smile a little.

K'ron knew it was a feeble promise but he hoped he could keep it for the most part. He smiled when Nerlyn finally gave a name. “That is cute and seems to fit her perfectly. Good choice,” he said, looking down at the little green.

“It’s a type of green.” She shrugged, relaxing a little more back onto the couch. “I overheard a smith using it to describe a green jewel but she seems to know it is hers as she responded to it when I started listing off suggestions.” Nerlyn stroked the little fire lizard’s back before she hopped up onto her shoulder and snuggled against her neck.

He chuckled softly. “They do seem to pick their own names,” he agreed. And it was a very pretty name. He thought it suited the little green well. “I am glad you two are getting along so well.”

“She’s sweet.” Nerlyn said gently. The fire lizard was adorable and Raen was fascinated with how small she was compared to Koda. “She is learning and she liked the water when we tried her swimming.” Nerlyn explained trying to keep her focus on the fire lizard than her mind going off to her worries.

“I bet. She is just a baby so she has a lot to learn. I'm glad she liked swimming. Has Koda been bothering you guys too much?” He knew his brown still liked to keep an eye on them.

“We both have lots to learn. Not at all. He has been showing Peridot how to fire lizards. It’s how she can slightly glide now. Koda is being great. He is protective and that is not going to change.” Nerlyn assured as she sat back properly and rubbed her forehead feeling drained by everything now.

“Ah I'm glad he's being a good teacher and no I think he'll always be protective.” The brown took it as his responsibility to watch over K'ron's family. “Sounds like Peridot is learning a lot.”

“She is.” Nerlyn assured growing silent. She sighed softly. “I think I need to get some sleep. Maybe it will help.” She suggested shifting to stand up. As much as she did not want to go to sleep as it meant it was closer to them being separated for a couple of days she knew it was healthier.

He nodded a bit. “Yeah sleep is probably a good idea,” he agreed. K'ron really didn't want to think about it as he had to leave in the morning but they both needed sleep.

“Come on bronze rider, take me to bed.” She said trying to sound like her normal self as she stood up and offered her hand to him.